Fandom, Supernatural, Uncategorized


I became a fan of supernatural roughly August last year. Looking back I can’t believe how much a fandom has changed my life.

The Always Keep Fighting campaign has been amazing. I bought a jumper from the 1st year anniversary one. It’s become my favourite jumper. I find the message important because it reminds me to keep fighting my anxiety and to not let it win which sometimes I feel I do. As well as that the Love yourself first message that helps me remember that I’m important and just as important as anyone else and that it’s ok to put myself first if I can’t go somewhere or if someone needs me to do something I’m not ready to do.

The You Are Not Alone campaign has also been helpful to me. It reminds me that there are people I can talk to and I should talk to them. It’s ok to ask for help because I’m not alone and there are people who want to help.

Talking about people who I can talk to and are here to help. The fans of Supernatural are amazing. The nicest fandom I’ve ever been in. They are so supportive of each other and help each other. They are just amazing people. They welcomed me into the fandom with arms open and I hope that the people I’ve introduced to the fandom also find it helpful for them and find support they need.

I owe so much to this Fandom. I found this fandom and got into supernatural not that long after I was diagnosed with anxiety. I found binge watching episodes of Supernatural helped escape my mind for a while. I couldn’t be more thankful for finding this fandom. Even just live videos from Misha and Jared will lift my spirits. If I don’t want to go out or talk to anyone I can watch those videos and see that people care. Or I can talk to the amazing fans of Supernatural and I don’t feel so bad. My friends don’t quite understand my anxiety so it’s really nice to have people who do in my life.

Thank you to the Supernatural Fandom, I hope I can put in what you’ve given me.


Death, Mental Health, Thoughts

Death of a loved one

Last year someone very close to me died. He was a family friend and I had know him all my life. His health wasn’t always the greatest he had two heart attacks in his life and he wasn’t very good at keeping his diabetes under control. One night I got woken up by this loud noise sounded almost like snoring but worse. I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t understand what was happening. I closed my door so I could go back to sleep.

I didn’t go back to sleep I couldn’t the noise was still going on. I heard my mum run down stairs and get our friend who is trained in first aid. I heard another friend wake up. I got up and opened my door. I saw him, he was on the bed. I got pushed out of the room and told not to look. My nephew was brought upstairs and I took him out of the arms of our friend and took him downstairs to play with his toys.

They called an ambulance which eventually arrived. The police arrived as they had been looking for him as he was a high risk to himself. Someone thought he was going to commit suicide.

We were all woken up at about 5 in the morning. The police were talking to us. They had been here last night asking my mum if she had seen him and he told her to say no. They were annoyed at her, they were quite harsh as they spoke to her. Eventually we were told that he had died. I was taken to a room with my nephew while we waited for him to be taken out of the house. We weren’t allowed upstairs not even to get something from our rooms. The police questioned my mum and our two friends. The police finally left at 11.

Everything had happened so quickly and then I remembered that I had heard him. I heard him say no while all the noise was being made. It was explained to me that the noise I heard was the sound of him dying. The last thing I had heard was him dying and I closed my door on him. He had a heart attack there was nothing any of us could have done.

Now if I hear a noise when I’m trying to go to sleep I can’t close my door. I try but then I get flashbacks to that night and I end up worrying and can’t sleep. It sounds irrational but I can’t help it. I had to move my room around so that I could actually go to sleep, with my bed in a different place and all my stuff so it doesn’t look like how it was on that night. It still affects me a year later but not as much. I still randomly have flashbacks especially if I hear an odd noise or something that sounded like him.

I don’t really know what this post is supposed to achieve but I just needed someone to listen, someone to hear me and my experience.




A couple of days ago two people came into my history class to get two students to take pictures of for the prospectus. No other girls were going so I just went with them. It wasn’t bad. I had to fill in a form about why I chose that college and my courses, what advice I had for new students etc. That was interesting. Then it came to taking the photos. I didn’t think I looked that bad, I even had my hair down which I don’t normally do. They gave me a folder to hold as they took photos and I smiled. Then the photographer says to me ‘give me a big smile, show some teeth’. That’s when I realised I never smile with my mouth open anymore, I never show my teeth. I’m really self conscious about my teeth so I consciously smile with my mouth closed. So I smiled with my mouth and with my teeth, it was so weird. I didn’t feel happy, it felt really weird like I wasn’t actually smiling and I felt awkward like I looked stupid but the photographer seemed to be happy. I realised I kept closing my mouth without realising it because that was most comfortable for me. Eventually it was over and I went back to my class.

However, I was left with this feeling. I can’t quite explain it but it made me sad. When I got home I looked at pictures of me when I used to smile with my teeth and then I realised as I got older I slowly started to stop and smile with my mouth closed. I took a picture of myself smiling with my teeth showing and it made me smile. I didn’t even look that bad but it still didn’t feel natural or right. So I’m gonna keep at it and maybe I’ll even learn to love that part of myself. Maybe I’ll be able to smile with my teeth naturally.