Thoughts

To my father

To my father,

I don’t know you at all really. However I’ve met you a few times you seem like a nice guy. Growing up my mum told me about you, you guys met at college, you like frogs. Random things that didn’t really mean much growing up.

Now I’m old enough I realise a little more why you aren’t in my life I’m not angry anymore just sad. Sad that I won’t ever understand what it’s like to have a dad. Sad that while others got to grow up with their dad I had just my mum who worked so hard everyday so I could have clothes and eat. She even went without so I could have food. She is the most important person in my life and the only role model I grew up with. She’s not perfect but she’s my mum.

When I was younger I was so angry. Angry at my mum because I didn’t have a dad and how could she do that to me when everyone else in my class had a mum and a dad. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to have a dad. I then became angry at you. A man I don’t even really know. A man who doesn’t want to get to know me. I was so angry at you because all these other fathers stayed with their children and you couldn’t or you wouldn’t. I didn’t understand. Even now I don’t quite understand fully why I wasn’t allowed a dad.

I also feel sad for you. You never got to see your daughter when she was young or growing up. You missed my firsts. You missed me getting my Sats results, getting into secondary school, the stress of my GCSE’s and my results, getting into college, my college results and getting my apprenticeship. Every important thing that has happened in my life you missed. You will never know the child I was growing up you never met her. You never found out who I was or got to know me. I feel sad for you because you have a daughter but you don’t know anything about her.

My mum has never spoken badly of you. She never said that I wasn’t allowed to see you. She always said it was my choice. I often thought about you getting into contact with my mum and wanting to meet me but you never did. I always thought when I was 16 I would get into contact with you somehow. It never happened. I worry that I won’t be good enough and that you’ll be glad you never saw me growing up. I also worry that you won’t be what I expect and that you might not understand me the way my mum does.

Just in case you wanted to know a little about me: I’m 18. I am a huge Harry Potter fan. I love to read. I love to sing. I suffer from Mental Health issues.

This letter is for me. I have to finally say how I feel. I have had all these feelings inside me since I realised I didn’t have a dad. I am not angry. I do not judge you. I do not hate you. I just want to share my pain.

Dana

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Mental Health, Thoughts

Crisis

As I sit in my work toilets I have a choice. I have a small screwdriver in one hand and I have my iPod in the other. I can either hurt myself or find help. I put the screwdriver down and go onto my iPod. I have an app to help me with this. I look at my coping statement and I take a deep breath and think for a minute. I start crying, I’ve let myself down. I think about the last time I hurt myself and all the pain I felt physically and emotionally and I know I don’t want this again. I cry as silently as I can as I think about the people I love the people I would let down if they knew and it stops me from picking up the screwdriver. It stops me from cutting my thighs. Today my battle scars aren’t cuts on my legs, today they are tears in my eyes and bags under my eyes. I feel triumphant and yet so tired of this same routine which continuously makes me choose between pain and trying to calm myself down. Each time I wonder how I let it get so bad but sometimes I have to so it will stop.

I’m sorry I always let it get so far but I’m still fighting even though it sometimes feels like I’ve given up. It’s just I’m trying to fight against the small things like getting out of bed and getting dressed and the bigger things end up taking hold while I’m busy.

Dana

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Uncategorized

The power of introverts

This is so inspirational.

Liz Skincare Wellness & Beauty Blog

I am a weird type of introvert! 😁


Great Video bySusan Cain: The power of introverts
Have people forgotten how to make the most of boredom. Could it be that noise is addictive, that it makes an anxiety arise whenever there is silence? Currently trying to figure it out ….I many times feel that being around lots of people drains my energy. Too much stimulation leaves me feeling distracted and unfocused making me anxious.

I personally enjoy my reflection time. It is when we are in tranquility that we can look inwards and start to shape ourselves. This tranquility requires us to also disengage from the creations of others. Some people still enjoy alone time watching a movie, listening to a song, reading a book. Brainstorming how to improve parenthood skills, personal life how to better cater to your mate, how to make your business more successful etc.Perfect ways targeted…

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