To my father,
I don’t know you at all really. However I’ve met you a few times you seem like a nice guy. Growing up my mum told me about you, you guys met at college, you like frogs. Random things that didn’t really mean much growing up.
Now I’m old enough I realise a little more why you aren’t in my life I’m not angry anymore just sad. Sad that I won’t ever understand what it’s like to have a dad. Sad that while others got to grow up with their dad I had just my mum who worked so hard everyday so I could have clothes and eat. She even went without so I could have food. She is the most important person in my life and the only role model I grew up with. She’s not perfect but she’s my mum.
When I was younger I was so angry. Angry at my mum because I didn’t have a dad and how could she do that to me when everyone else in my class had a mum and a dad. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t allowed to have a dad. I then became angry at you. A man I don’t even really know. A man who doesn’t want to get to know me. I was so angry at you because all these other fathers stayed with their children and you couldn’t or you wouldn’t. I didn’t understand. Even now I don’t quite understand fully why I wasn’t allowed a dad.
I also feel sad for you. You never got to see your daughter when she was young or growing up. You missed my firsts. You missed me getting my Sats results, getting into secondary school, the stress of my GCSE’s and my results, getting into college, my college results and getting my apprenticeship. Every important thing that has happened in my life you missed. You will never know the child I was growing up you never met her. You never found out who I was or got to know me. I feel sad for you because you have a daughter but you don’t know anything about her.
My mum has never spoken badly of you. She never said that I wasn’t allowed to see you. She always said it was my choice. I often thought about you getting into contact with my mum and wanting to meet me but you never did. I always thought when I was 16 I would get into contact with you somehow. It never happened. I worry that I won’t be good enough and that you’ll be glad you never saw me growing up. I also worry that you won’t be what I expect and that you might not understand me the way my mum does.
Just in case you wanted to know a little about me: I’m 18. I am a huge Harry Potter fan. I love to read. I love to sing. I suffer from Mental Health issues.
This letter is for me. I have to finally say how I feel. I have had all these feelings inside me since I realised I didn’t have a dad. I am not angry. I do not judge you. I do not hate you. I just want to share my pain.