Love, Mental Health, Thoughts

I just want to be loved

I just want to be loved…
I want someone to look at me completely in love with me. In love with my laugh, the way my nose scrunches if I find something particularly funny. The way I care about people. The way I try and show off a little when I haven’t seen people in ages. The way I try and feed everyone all the time, whether they’re sad, angry or even happy. The way I fall in love with chick flicks and get WAY too into the story.

I want someone to look at me and truly see me inside not what every mask I have up. Understand that I’m acting a certain way because of who I’m with, family, friends, you. Someone who understands that I’m confident with people I know really well but them freeze and shutdown a little with people I don’t know. That I don’t like answering the phone but that I will do it even if it terrifies me. That I can cook really well but I still need reassurance that I am doing it right.

That I may have days where I don’t want to talk to you and that it may hurt but I shutdown and can’t help. I want someone to understand when I’m having those days and when I’m struggling. I want someone to help me with the bad days and ride the good days with me.

………I just want someone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=]

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Love, Thoughts

To My Crush

Hey,

I’m pretty sure you know I exist I mean I lent you that pencil in class…which you still haven’t given back but it’s ok you keep it I have plenty. I smiled at you as I gave you that pencil and you smiled back at me so it was worth it. I then gazed at the back of your head and thought about what we could talk about. Then class was over and I wouldn’t see you anymore that day. I said bye as I gathered up my things and you said ‘seeya’.

I friended you on Facebook, we have a group presentation to do. I added the whole group and created a group chat for the whole presentation. Even though I ended up doing most of the work. I gave you the easy job of printing photos for the poster we were presenting and you smiled at me making my heart melt. We had to present our poster and you stood next to me….there was no where else to stand but I knew you wanted to stand next to me.

I missed class because I was on a trip so I message you asking what I missed and if we had homework. You don’t know…you were ill. My whole conversation planned fell to pieces. We end up talking about wrestling which was interesting. You have a nice sense of humor. You make me smile. Oh you’re offline now…night I guess.

Then speaking to a friend I realised I was overthinking the whole thing. It was only a pencil. It was only a smile. It was only a friend request. It was only standing next to you. It was only a smile. It was only a conversation. It was only a smile. It was only a smile. It was only a smile!

Maybe one day I’ll speak to you properly and stop being weird in front of you overthinking every action when you’re with me.

Thank you for putting up with me

Dana.

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Love, Mental Health, Thoughts

Myself and my body

Hi Guys,

When I was a lot younger, Around ten years old, I really started to hate a mole I had on my neck. I hated it and I just wanted it to be gone and not be there anymore. So one day I decided to pick it off and then it wouldn’t be there anymore. I picked off my mole and I thought it was great because it wasn’t there anymore but then where the mole was it started weeping and it scabbed over. I thought it would heal and I wouldn’t have a mole anymore. If anything touched the skin it would weep and take the skin off. It wouldn’t heal. It was so painful and itchy and I just wanted that to stop. Eventually it healed and not too long after that my mole came back, same place, same shape, exactly the same as it was before I started attacking it.

That experience taught me a lot more than what you would think it did on the surface. It taught me to leave myself alone. If I had any insecurities to leave them alone or I would only make them worse and not better. I learned to like my mole, I’d would like to say love it but I’m slowly getting there. I also learnt that no one else was even remotely interested in what I saw as my biggest flaw at that age. I have more things I don’t like about my body and face at 19. Nine years later and there are still things I don’t like and wish I could change. However, how I deal with these things is a lot different. Instead of picking at what I don’t like until it goes away I’ve learnt to see what I don’t like and accept it. I’ve accepted that my ear stick out more than I would like but that no one else notices it when I mention it. I noticed that my nose is different from everyone’s in my family and I hate that but I’ve learnt to accept that it makes me unique.

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love the whole of my body all at once but the way I handle it and view myself is a lot better than how I used to. Anyone who doesn’t like the way they look shouldn’t keep picking at their selves or their self-esteem, they should learn to love or accept themselves because no one else notices all the little details you do about yourself. You are perfect the way you are x.

 

Dana x

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Love, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Single

Hi guys,

 

I’ve been single for the whole of this year. My new year’s resolution last year  was to not date anyone this year. It helped take the pressure of constantly thinking you have to look for a guy. It helped me to focus more on myself but I am nowhere near the amount of self love I feel I need. I’m meeting up with a guy I think is quite cute to talk about life and what I could do after my apprenticeship next year. Once I told my guy friends they made jokes saying he just wants to get me drunk and try it on. This made my anxiety very bad and now getting ready to meet up with him I’m having a panic attack. I went to one of my friends I always talk to about my mental health and he just said if he kisses you go for it because why not. This didn’t help me. I’m still in a panic, I feel sick and don’t even want to go out. This is just supposed to be a friendly meetup to talk about the future and life after college. Even if he asked me out it’s not next year so I wouldn’t be able to anyway and I feel like I’m panicking for no reason. I am also worried about walking to and from the pub in the dark!!

My friend just left. We had the best time ever and I knew he wasn’t the time of guy who would be weird or only after one thing. We hung out at the pub for 3 hours, we went to mine and he transferred game of thrones while we watched a film. We talked about college, university, work, films I hadn’t watched and needed to watch. It was so great and I was panicking for nothing. He is an amazing guy and a great friend. And we’re gonna meet up again!!

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Love

The guy I want….

I want to watch movies with the one I love and have cuddles

Someone to cry into when I need to let everything out and someone to cry into when the dog in the films die because that is the saddest

I want someone to listen to my rants, someone to have detailed and philosophical conversations at 2 in the morning. Someone who will stay up just to continue talking to me. Someone who thinks it cute when I start fangirling. Someone who looks at me the way I look at my cats and food

Someone who will put up with me being insecure and reassure me they still like me even if it’s the 50th time he has to do it. Someone just really gets that some days I need to be alone and other days I will cling to them and not want to be alone. Someone who doesn’t get annoyed with me for being me.

Some one to sing karaoke with me even if they can’t sing. Someone who will put up with me singing all the time. Honestly it never ends.

Someone to watch the sunset with me and the sunrise. Someone who takes a picture of the sunset knowing I’ve missed it because they know how much I love sunsets.

And of course I’d do the same for them

Dana

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