Mental Health, Uncategorized


Anxiety isn’t just worrying about an exam or being in crowds although that is anxiety.

Anxiety is crying over what to wear because it has to be perfect and nothing is perfect and you don’t what to do because you can’t mess up the day by wearing the wrong thing.

Anxiety is being so worried you’ll mess everything up for your family that you don’t even want to go to your grandads funeral.

It’s wanting to stay in bed and not move in case you make something worse or messaging your friends repetitively and then worrying that now they hate you so you apologise for being a nuisance and a pain and that you’ll stop bothering you because you don’t want to lose them.

Anxiety isn’t just worrying, it’s real, it’s not pretty, it’s not something you can romanticise. It hard, It’s sometimes feels like everything could go wrong or that you’re drowning in your feelings. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes I know that I’m being silly and worrying over nothing and it still doesn’t stop the worrying.

Mental Health, Uncategorized

WorkPlace Stress

Stress at work is hard.

Work in general is stressful, every work is a little bit stressful but when the stress gets too much then that isn’t healthy.

You can get stressed at work for so many different reasons. This can be from not getting on with co-workers, having stressful work that you are doing, being treated unfairly due to your mental health or because of another reason, having to keep your mental health a secret from your colleagues or your boss, and also if you have taken time off work due to your mental health and you are due to go back to work.

To overcome workplace stress can be easy or hard depending on what is stressing you. If you have taken on too much work and that is stressing you out then some time off work may help you or even reducing your workload a little to become more manageable by talking to your boss. If you are being treated unfairly due to your mental health then this is discrimination and you can take action towards your employer to resolve this. You can do this by taking legal action, please get details from this website Mind.


Mental Health, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Things people have said that have hurt me

‘You should go kill yourself’


……You will be’

‘It’s getting pretty late’ (the tone and situation)

‘Are you over your anxiety now?’

‘She must be on her period’

‘But you’re not really ill are you’


Mental Health

I have PTSD

I came to this realisation the other week.

My mums boyfriend died at my house 20th February 2015. He died about 5 in the morning, I remember that night as if it were yesterday.  I was woken up to a loud noise that I can only describe as a horrible cough possibly a constant clearing of their throat. It was a horrible noise and it was very loud. I thought it was one of our house mates as he was prone to coughing fits a lot. I closed my door to try and get back to sleep. (This is one of my biggest regrets). I didn’t know my mums boyfriend was at the house that night as he had come after I went to bed. Eventually I left my room as I couldn’t get back to sleep and suddenly one of our housemates had run upstairs and they had woken the other housemate. That day was very traumatic for me, we had an ambulance round and the police round and it was nonstop until 11 that day when he was pronounced dead and the police had stopped questioning us. It was the most traumatic and stressful day I can remember. I thought, well I still think what I heard that day when he was dying that he said No and it haunts me every time I hear an odd noise or get flashback.

If I hear a noise while I am trying to sleep or trying to get to sleep I get flashbacks to that night, I can’t close my bedroom door if I hear a noise outside or in the house somewhere. I physically can not close my door on a noise, I get flashbacks to that night and can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I am transported instantly to that night. Sometimes if I see someone who looks even a bit like him I have a internal panic attack and have to try and remind myself that it’s not him and that I am ok and that that day is not happening now. Sometimes I hear a noise like the noise he made that night, out in public or on a Youtube video when I least expect it and I feel powerless as I am forced to relive this event again and again. Just talking about this right now has caused me to have flashbacks and I’ve had to ground myself several times. As a result of the impact this post is having on myself writing this blog post, this will be the last time I post about it, I have previously written about this before last year so please feel free to read that blog post which goes into a lot more detail about the events of that day.  The link to that post is below.

Death of a loved one


You must be wondering why I would want to write another post like this if it’s affecting me so badly. I want to boost awareness for PTSD and for anyone who has experienced what I experienced. Mental Health Awareness is important and you are not alone with your mental health what ever you have someone else has probably had it or is going through and can help or might need your help and experience. I don’t want there to be a stigma which is why I am always honest and open about my Mental Health even when it’s hard.

Mental Health, Thoughts

To My Ex Boyfriend


I know we haven’t spoken for quite a long time.

I know it’s just because we’re busy at work……I hope it’s just because we’re busy with work.

You were always my best friend, you always had my back and made sure I was ok and I always spoke to you about everything.

I asked you out… said no and I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I was a mess, a really bad mess, I hid it well. I slowly got over it and we hung out more and slowly you fell for me. I still can’t believe you asked me out while I was standing in my doorway, you were my first kiss that summer.

We shouldn’t have gone out at that point, you went away for 3 weeks straight after and I was slowly breaking. We had just finished school and I didn’t know what life was gonna be like then, it scared me a lot. I’m so sorry for taking out all that stress on you and making you feel like it was your fault.

I’m sorry I was so distant with you. I’m sorry I shut you out. I’m sorry I spoke to our best friend about things instead of you. It was supposed to be you I promise. I’m sorry that when you said maybe we should break up I just agreed and said ok. I’m sorry we broke up on Facebook Messenger. I’m sorry I shut you and the guys out after we broke up. I’m sorry I had a mental breakdown and didn’t tell any of you guys about it.

I miss your stupid faces so much.

I wish things hadn’t ended. I wish they had ended differently. I wish we were still close.

Don’t miss our relationship it wasn’t great it barely lasted a month and it still hurt us so much. Three years and I’m still getting over it. I’m still scared to let someone else in. I’m still scared I’ll shut the next one out and have another breakdown and shut all my friends out again. How could our relationship mess me up this much.

I haven’t dated since because it scares me. I miss our friendship.

Don’t be a stranger in my life.


Fandom, Mental Health

One of my Favourite Male Actors

Jared Padalecki

I first found out who Jared Padalecki was when I watched Supernatural first time. I had heard of him before this on Tumblr and due to so many different gifs and memes. This is also why I started watching Supernatural because I had so much second hand fandom. I had a pretty healthy obsession with him while watching Supernatural and I loved the character Sam and I thought he played it so well and the on screen and of screen chemistry with Jensen was just amazing and unbelievable.

The Always Keep Fighting (AFK) Campaign was something I kinda stumbled on by chance, I had decided to start following all of the supernatural characters pages Jared, Jensen, Misha, Mark Shepard and many others where included in this crazy following episode. By following Jared Padalecki’s page this meant that when he posted about his latest campaign it came up on my timeline on Facebook and I saw it and clicked on it and found out so much about his struggle and his campaign and also about the charity. I bought my first T-Shirt from Creation Stands due to that and I am so grateful because wearing that T-Shirt and the many others I bought from the AFK campaign and many other campaigns bring me so much strength and also make me feel like I’m not alone in my mental health issues. I owe that to Jared Padalecki and him using his fame to help people and that is why he is one of my favourite male actors.

I also recently like a month ago started watching Gilmore Girls and I finished it all Saturday last week and Jared was such a good actor even when he was younger and I was really amazed by his acting when I watched it and was also surprised because I didn’t know he was in it. It is so weird that he is called Dean in Gilmore Girls and then in Supernatural he has a brother called Dean.


I think that Jared Padalecki is an amazing Actor and is an even more amazing and incredible person. His campaigns have helped so many different people and every time I see someone write about one of his campaigns I see so much love and how another persons life has been changed for the better as a result. He has inspired so many people to get help with their tough times or to just talk to someone. He helped me to realised how strong I am and even though he will never know who I am or how he helped me I will always know just how much those campaigns helped me and my mental health.


Fandom, Mental Health

Gryffindor with Anxiety

I am a Gryffindor. I did the Pottermore quiz and got Gryffindor.

Being a Gryffindor means a lot to me because I used to want to be brave and courageous and wanted to stick up for myself and others. I have anxiety which makes me worry more than I should about everything and stops me from doing so many things but everyday and every time there’s something that scares me I have to push myself to do it. I am brave every time I get myself up and out of the house and every time I do something that scares me that maybe other people would have no problem doing.

Growing up I didn’t feel like the Gryffindor I was but then I realised just how like a Gryffindor I was. I always stick up for my friends and myself, I’m not afraid to tell the truth or tell someone how I feel about them. I’m not afraid to do things that scare me like learning to drive or going to places I’ve never been, or going somewhere on holiday with family and not knowing where exactly it is. I even got over my fear of the dark.