Love, Mental Health, Thoughts

I just want to be loved

I just want to be loved…
I want someone to look at me completely in love with me. In love with my laugh, the way my nose scrunches if I find something particularly funny. The way I care about people. The way I try and show off a little when I haven’t seen people in ages. The way I try and feed everyone all the time, whether they’re sad, angry or even happy. The way I fall in love with chick flicks and get WAY too into the story.

I want someone to look at me and truly see me inside not what every mask I have up. Understand that I’m acting a certain way because of who I’m with, family, friends, you. Someone who understands that I’m confident with people I know really well but them freeze and shutdown a little with people I don’t know. That I don’t like answering the phone but that I will do it even if it terrifies me. That I can cook really well but I still need reassurance that I am doing it right.

That I may have days where I don’t want to talk to you and that it may hurt but I shutdown and can’t help. I want someone to understand when I’m having those days and when I’m struggling. I want someone to help me with the bad days and ride the good days with me.

………I just want someone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=]

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Love, Mental Health, Thoughts

Myself and my body

Hi Guys,

When I was a lot younger, Around ten years old, I really started to hate a mole I had on my neck. I hated it and I just wanted it to be gone and not be there anymore. So one day I decided to pick it off and then it wouldn’t be there anymore. I picked off my mole and I thought it was great because it wasn’t there anymore but then where the mole was it started weeping and it scabbed over. I thought it would heal and I wouldn’t have a mole anymore. If anything touched the skin it would weep and take the skin off. It wouldn’t heal. It was so painful and itchy and I just wanted that to stop. Eventually it healed and not too long after that my mole came back, same place, same shape, exactly the same as it was before I started attacking it.

That experience taught me a lot more than what you would think it did on the surface. It taught me to leave myself alone. If I had any insecurities to leave them alone or I would only make them worse and not better. I learned to like my mole, I’d would like to say love it but I’m slowly getting there. I also learnt that no one else was even remotely interested in what I saw as my biggest flaw at that age. I have more things I don’t like about my body and face at 19. Nine years later and there are still things I don’t like and wish I could change. However, how I deal with these things is a lot different. Instead of picking at what I don’t like until it goes away I’ve learnt to see what I don’t like and accept it. I’ve accepted that my ear stick out more than I would like but that no one else notices it when I mention it. I noticed that my nose is different from everyone’s in my family and I hate that but I’ve learnt to accept that it makes me unique.

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love the whole of my body all at once but the way I handle it and view myself is a lot better than how I used to. Anyone who doesn’t like the way they look shouldn’t keep picking at their selves or their self-esteem, they should learn to love or accept themselves because no one else notices all the little details you do about yourself. You are perfect the way you are x.

 

Dana x

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Mental Health, Thoughts

My Body

Hi Kittens,

I’m about to become really honest with you all as I am in most posts. And it’s going to get really personal now.

I was born a long baby of course I had baby fat most people do. Growing up I was skinny very skinny and tall. Now I am 18 years old and I am 5″4 and shorter than most of the people I know and I am a size 10 (UK) in T-Shirts  and a size 12 (UK) in trousers. I’m still a small person, my steel toe cap boots for work are a whole size to big I have to wear two pairs of socks (Ones a fluffy pair) and insoles. I also had to get my carpenter trousers for work taken in by my granny as very few stores sell those sort of trousers for women and if they do they are very limited. I shouldn’t be bothered about my body right?

I am currently  52kg (8st 3lbs). This doesn’t bother me that much. I’ve never been someone who’s cared about weight….that is until I looked in a mirror while I was off at training for work at the hotel while changing into my pj’s. The sight made me cry I looked a mess. My stomach had rolls and my waist was all irregular and not how I usually look. I looked unhealthy and tired, my face was a little spotty and my hair was limp. I felt disgusted with myself, why was I so unhealthy why have I allowed myself to eat only crap and unhealthy food instead of regular healthy well rounded  meals.

I can’t tell if I’m being responsible or destructive with my thoughts but I know that I want to become healthier, drink more water, reach my 5 a day target every single day, exercise, eat less ready meals. I also panic that I  might end up have bad cholesterol or a bad heart if I don’t look after my body properly.

 

(Can I just add that I in no way am saying that people bigger than me are unhealthy. I am just saying that for myself and the way my body usually is, is unhealthy from the way I have let my lifestyle become so unhealthy. There is no perfect size only a size that you are comfortable in. If you weigh less than 52kg that’s ok too skinny people can be perfectly healthy too. If you weigh more than 52kg that’s ok as well that can healthy too. At the end of the day as long as you love yourself then nothing else matters).

Dana

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Mental Health

My favourite Mental Health App

Hi Everyone,

I suffer with Anxiety and mild depression which flairs up constantly. It happens a lot at work which is very inconvenient for me.

I have an app called BoosterBuddy its free on the app store and Google Play store. It is one of the best apps I have ever used to help with my anxiety. When you first go into the app it asks you to choose a buddy, put in what medication you have to take and what your symptoms are such as; Initiation and Motivation, Do you sometimes have a hard time getting up and starting your day or getting started on doing things? Oversleeping, Lack of sleep, Depression, Mood too High, Anxiety, Voices, Delusions, Alcohol and drug use. It also tells you that ‘if you think you have a mental health problem but aren’t getting help make sure you talk to a doctor for advice.’ You are able to change your answers when ever you want to or whenever they change.

There is also a Crisis plan which if you are thinking of harming yourself or someone else to call an emergency number for the area in my case its 999 or to your nearest emergency room. It also tells you a hospital you could go to which you put in yourself so its a hospital you know and trust. This is the initial thing that comes up in the Crisis plan, If the previous information in the crisis plan is not what you need you click on the continue to Crisis plan button. Here there are several buttons you can click on ‘My Coping Statement’, ‘My Coping Methods’,  ‘My favourite Coping Methods’, you can make your own and also choose from ones that are already on the app for various different symptoms that you may have, ‘Crisis Contacts’ I currently have my mum in there for a crisis which I need to change as she is often at work if I have a crisis and that’s not helpful to me, And finally there is ‘This is an Emergency’ I have never had to choose this one but it takes you back to the front page of the Crisis Plan.

After you have first put in all your information and you then go into the app for help later on you will come to a ‘How are you doing today?’ page. This asks how you are doing that day. It goes from Good, Not Great, Struggling, Crisis. depending on how you feel will depend on what quests you get to wake up your buddy. You get coins for each quest you complete which you can spend on hats, Glasses, scarves anything to dress your buddy with, You also get XP points to go up a level after you finish all three quests. When you click on a quest it will ask you to do something which either you can do and when the circle on the ‘I did it!’button fills up you can click that you have done it or if you can’t do it right now then you can click the ‘I can’t do this now’ button. Some you have to fill in like ‘Play a game’ you have to write down a board game or video game you could play with a friend. I wrote down Trivial Pursuit because I’m getting it for Christmas and I have the Harry Potter extension and I can’t wait to play with my friends.

Dana

(I will post screenshots below of the app).

 

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Mental Health, Thoughts

Crisis

As I sit in my work toilets I have a choice. I have a small screwdriver in one hand and I have my iPod in the other. I can either hurt myself or find help. I put the screwdriver down and go onto my iPod. I have an app to help me with this. I look at my coping statement and I take a deep breath and think for a minute. I start crying, I’ve let myself down. I think about the last time I hurt myself and all the pain I felt physically and emotionally and I know I don’t want this again. I cry as silently as I can as I think about the people I love the people I would let down if they knew and it stops me from picking up the screwdriver. It stops me from cutting my thighs. Today my battle scars aren’t cuts on my legs, today they are tears in my eyes and bags under my eyes. I feel triumphant and yet so tired of this same routine which continuously makes me choose between pain and trying to calm myself down. Each time I wonder how I let it get so bad but sometimes I have to so it will stop.

I’m sorry I always let it get so far but I’m still fighting even though it sometimes feels like I’ve given up. It’s just I’m trying to fight against the small things like getting out of bed and getting dressed and the bigger things end up taking hold while I’m busy.

Dana

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Mental Health

I just need some help….

I recently started my Apprenticeship and this is my forth week at work. I work 8:30 – 5. I have a headache or feel sick every day. I have no energy to do anything sometimes when I get home all I can do is curl up into a ball on the sofa for hours until I have to force myself to get up so I can go to sleep. I need help I know but where? how? there’s never enough funding that fits me in, my case is never as bad as other people’s. All I need is some help someone to talk to. Some counselling but instead I get my mum telling she has it worse. I have my granny telling me that people didn’t have this in her day and it’s all in my head and it must be because she doesn’t have it. Every year during summer something happens I isolate myself I become someone I’m not who just cries and stays in bed but this year I was really trying so hard to be healthy to be social to help around the house. I’m tired all the time physically and mentally sometimes I can’t even move myself from the floor I collapse on. I need help but I don’t think I’ll get it.

Dana

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