Mental Health

I have PTSD

I came to this realisation the other week.

My mums boyfriend died at my house 20th February 2015. He died about 5 in the morning, I remember that night as if it were yesterday.  I was woken up to a loud noise that I can only describe as a horrible cough possibly a constant clearing of their throat. It was a horrible noise and it was very loud. I thought it was one of our house mates as he was prone to coughing fits a lot. I closed my door to try and get back to sleep. (This is one of my biggest regrets). I didn’t know my mums boyfriend was at the house that night as he had come after I went to bed. Eventually I left my room as I couldn’t get back to sleep and suddenly one of our housemates had run upstairs and they had woken the other housemate. That day was very traumatic for me, we had an ambulance round and the police round and it was nonstop until 11 that day when he was pronounced dead and the police had stopped questioning us. It was the most traumatic and stressful day I can remember. I thought, well I still think what I heard that day when he was dying that he said No and it haunts me every time I hear an odd noise or get flashback.

If I hear a noise while I am trying to sleep or trying to get to sleep I get flashbacks to that night, I can’t close my bedroom door if I hear a noise outside or in the house somewhere. I physically can not close my door on a noise, I get flashbacks to that night and can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I am transported instantly to that night. Sometimes if I see someone who looks even a bit like him I have a internal panic attack and have to try and remind myself that it’s not him and that I am ok and that that day is not happening now. Sometimes I hear a noise like the noise he made that night, out in public or on a Youtube video when I least expect it and I feel powerless as I am forced to relive this event again and again. Just talking about this right now has caused me to have flashbacks and I’ve had to ground myself several times. As a result of the impact this post is having on myself writing this blog post, this will be the last time I post about it, I have previously written about this before last year so please feel free to read that blog post which goes into a lot more detail about the events of that day.  The link to that post is below.

Death of a loved one

 

You must be wondering why I would want to write another post like this if it’s affecting me so badly. I want to boost awareness for PTSD and for anyone who has experienced what I experienced. Mental Health Awareness is important and you are not alone with your mental health what ever you have someone else has probably had it or is going through and can help or might need your help and experience. I don’t want there to be a stigma which is why I am always honest and open about my Mental Health even when it’s hard.

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Mental Health, Thoughts

To My Ex Boyfriend

Hi,

I know we haven’t spoken for quite a long time.

I know it’s just because we’re busy work……I hope it’s just because we’re busy with work.

You were always my best friend, you always had my back and made sure I was ok and I always spoke to you about everything.

I asked you out…..you said no and I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. I was a mess, a really bad mess, I hid it well. I slowly got over it and we hung out more and slowly you fell for me. I still can’t believe you asked me out while I was standing in my doorway, you were my first kiss that summer.

We shouldn’t have gone out at that point, you went away for 3 weeks straight after and I was slowly breaking. We had just finished school and I didn’t know what life was gonna be like then, it scared me a lot. I’m so sorry for taking out all that stress on you and making you feel like it was your fault.

I’m sorry I was so distant with you. I’m sorry I shut you out. I’m sorry I spoke to our best friend about things instead of you. It was supposed to be you I promise. I’m sorry that when you said maybe we should break up I just agreed and said ok. I’m sorry we broke up on Facebook Messenger. I’m sorry I shut you and the guys out after we broke up. I’m sorry I had a mental breakdown and didn’t tell any of you guys about it.

I miss your stupid faces so much.

I wish things hadn’t ended. I wish they had ended differently. I wish we were still close.

Don’t miss our relationship it wasn’t great it barely lasted a month and it still hurt us so much. Three years and I’m still getting over it. I’m still scared to let someone else in. I’m still scared I’ll shut the next one out and have another breakdown and shut all my friends out again. How could our relationship mess me up this much.

I haven’t dated since because it scares me. I miss our friendship.

Don’t be a stranger in my life.

Dana.

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Fandom, Mental Health

One of my Favourite Male Actors

Jared Padalecki

I first found out who Jared Padalecki was when I watched Supernatural first time. I had heard of him before this on Tumblr and due to so many different gifs and memes. This is also why I started watching Supernatural because I had so much second hand fandom. I had a pretty healthy obsession with him while watching Supernatural and I loved the character Sam and I thought he played it so well and the on screen and of screen chemistry with Jensen was just amazing and unbelievable.

The Always Keep Fighting (AFK) Campaign was something I kinda stumbled on by chance, I had decided to start following all of the supernatural characters pages Jared, Jensen, Misha, Mark Shepard and many others where included in this crazy following episode. By following Jared Padalecki’s page this meant that when he posted about his latest campaign it came up on my timeline on Facebook and I saw it and clicked on it and found out so much about his struggle and his campaign and also about the charity. I bought my first T-Shirt from Creation Stands due to that and I am so grateful because wearing that T-Shirt and the many others I bought from the AFK campaign and many other campaigns bring me so much strength and also make me feel like I’m not alone in my mental health issues. I owe that to Jared Padalecki and him using his fame to help people and that is why he is one of my favourite male actors.

I also recently like a month ago started watching Gilmore Girls and I finished it all Saturday last week and Jared was such a good actor even when he was younger and I was really amazed by his acting when I watched it and was also surprised because I didn’t know he was in it. It is so weird that he is called Dean in Gilmore Girls and then in Supernatural he has a brother called Dean.

 

I think that Jared Padalecki is an amazing Actor and is an even more amazing and incredible person. His campaigns have helped so many different people and every time I see someone write about one of his campaigns I see so much love and how another persons life has been changed for the better as a result. He has inspired so many people to get help with their tough times or to just talk to someone. He helped me to realised how strong I am and even though he will never know who I am or how he helped me I will always know just how much those campaigns helped me and my mental health.

 

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Fandom, Mental Health

Gryffindor with Anxiety

I am a Gryffindor. I did the Pottermore quiz and got Gryffindor.

Being a Gryffindor means a lot to me because I used to want to be brave and courageous and wanted to stick up for myself and others. I have anxiety which makes me worry more than I should about everything and stops me from doing so many things but everyday and every time there’s something that scares me I have to push myself to do it. I am brave every time I get myself up and out of the house and every time I do something that scares me that maybe other people would have no problem doing.

Growing up I didn’t feel like the Gryffindor I was but then I realised just how like a Gryffindor I was. I always stick up for my friends and myself, I’m not afraid to tell the truth or tell someone how I feel about them. I’m not afraid to do things that scare me like learning to drive or going to places I’ve never been, or going somewhere on holiday with family and not knowing where exactly it is. I even got over my fear of the dark.

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Love, Mental Health, Thoughts

I just want to be loved

I just want to be loved…
I want someone to look at me completely in love with me. In love with my laugh, the way my nose scrunches if I find something particularly funny. The way I care about people. The way I try and show off a little when I haven’t seen people in ages. The way I try and feed everyone all the time, whether they’re sad, angry or even happy. The way I fall in love with chick flicks and get WAY too into the story.

I want someone to look at me and truly see me inside not what every mask I have up. Understand that I’m acting a certain way because of who I’m with, family, friends, you. Someone who understands that I’m confident with people I know really well but them freeze and shutdown a little with people I don’t know. That I don’t like answering the phone but that I will do it even if it terrifies me. That I can cook really well but I still need reassurance that I am doing it right.

That I may have days where I don’t want to talk to you and that it may hurt but I shutdown and can’t help. I want someone to understand when I’m having those days and when I’m struggling. I want someone to help me with the bad days and ride the good days with me.

………I just want someone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=]

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Love, Mental Health, Thoughts

Myself and my body

Hi Guys,

When I was a lot younger, Around ten years old, I really started to hate a mole I had on my neck. I hated it and I just wanted it to be gone and not be there anymore. So one day I decided to pick it off and then it wouldn’t be there anymore. I picked off my mole and I thought it was great because it wasn’t there anymore but then where the mole was it started weeping and it scabbed over. I thought it would heal and I wouldn’t have a mole anymore. If anything touched the skin it would weep and take the skin off. It wouldn’t heal. It was so painful and itchy and I just wanted that to stop. Eventually it healed and not too long after that my mole came back, same place, same shape, exactly the same as it was before I started attacking it.

That experience taught me a lot more than what you would think it did on the surface. It taught me to leave myself alone. If I had any insecurities to leave them alone or I would only make them worse and not better. I learned to like my mole, I’d would like to say love it but I’m slowly getting there. I also learnt that no one else was even remotely interested in what I saw as my biggest flaw at that age. I have more things I don’t like about my body and face at 19. Nine years later and there are still things I don’t like and wish I could change. However, how I deal with these things is a lot different. Instead of picking at what I don’t like until it goes away I’ve learnt to see what I don’t like and accept it. I’ve accepted that my ear stick out more than I would like but that no one else notices it when I mention it. I noticed that my nose is different from everyone’s in my family and I hate that but I’ve learnt to accept that it makes me unique.

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love the whole of my body all at once but the way I handle it and view myself is a lot better than how I used to. Anyone who doesn’t like the way they look shouldn’t keep picking at their selves or their self-esteem, they should learn to love or accept themselves because no one else notices all the little details you do about yourself. You are perfect the way you are x.

 

Dana x

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Mental Health, Thoughts

My Body

Hi Kittens,

I’m about to become really honest with you all as I am in most posts. And it’s going to get really personal now.

I was born a long baby of course I had baby fat most people do. Growing up I was skinny very skinny and tall. Now I am 18 years old and I am 5″4 and shorter than most of the people I know and I am a size 10 (UK) in T-Shirts  and a size 12 (UK) in trousers. I’m still a small person, my steel toe cap boots for work are a whole size to big I have to wear two pairs of socks (Ones a fluffy pair) and insoles. I also had to get my carpenter trousers for work taken in by my granny as very few stores sell those sort of trousers for women and if they do they are very limited. I shouldn’t be bothered about my body right?

I am currently  52kg (8st 3lbs). This doesn’t bother me that much. I’ve never been someone who’s cared about weight….that is until I looked in a mirror while I was off at training for work at the hotel while changing into my pj’s. The sight made me cry I looked a mess. My stomach had rolls and my waist was all irregular and not how I usually look. I looked unhealthy and tired, my face was a little spotty and my hair was limp. I felt disgusted with myself, why was I so unhealthy why have I allowed myself to eat only crap and unhealthy food instead of regular healthy well rounded  meals.

I can’t tell if I’m being responsible or destructive with my thoughts but I know that I want to become healthier, drink more water, reach my 5 a day target every single day, exercise, eat less ready meals. I also panic that I  might end up have bad cholesterol or a bad heart if I don’t look after my body properly.

 

(Can I just add that I in no way am saying that people bigger than me are unhealthy. I am just saying that for myself and the way my body usually is, is unhealthy from the way I have let my lifestyle become so unhealthy. There is no perfect size only a size that you are comfortable in. If you weigh less than 52kg that’s ok too skinny people can be perfectly healthy too. If you weigh more than 52kg that’s ok as well that can healthy too. At the end of the day as long as you love yourself then nothing else matters).

Dana

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