Mental Health, Thoughts, Uncategorized

I’m so sad

I constantly feel like I’m bothering people by talking to them all the time or trying to arrange a time or place to meet up at. I never know why and I can never stop it, even rational thinking doesn’t seem to help stop myself feeling like this. I can’t help thinking people hate me if they suddenly message me something that sounds even a little different than normal. They could be tired or just having a bit of a bad day but instantly I think that they are annoyed by me and hate me.

I wish I could stop it but I don’t know how to.  I hate constantly feeling like this, I wish I could stop some how. I know it’s my mental health but I don’t know how to make myself feel better. I wish I could think rationally sometimes but I can never find the logic in my brain when I’m feeling like this. It’s hard constantly being in your own thoughts with no escape, no logical thoughts can break through all the anxious thoughts covered in self hatred. You’re friends try to help but only you can help yourself. Other people don’t get it and tell you not to stress or to calm down but as we all know that never helps, telling someone to get over it rarely helps them get over it.

I don’t know how to stop it. I give myself pep talks in the toilets, I try and calm myself with music and constantly tell myself over and over again that I am being silly and remind myself of all the rational and logical thoughts and hope that some how that helps in anyway. Sometimes it does and other times it doesn’t. I try to ground myself, read uplifting quotes anything to try and lift the fog of bad thoughts that cloud my mind.

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

Broken

Am I broken?

I get anxious all the time. I had to ask my friend to come with me to the hairdressers because I had only gone one time before with my mum. Normally the family friend comes down to cut our hair.

I’m scared to go to a nightclub. Loud music, Large crowds, Drunk people all things that trigger my anxiety and stops me from going to a plus all the people my age go to.

It used to stop me from answering the phone or going places by myself.

Am I broken? or is this just who I am?

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

Disappear

I wish I could disappear.

I wish it could be so easy to disappear. I like to think I wouldn’t miss my friends or my family or my crush. But I would. Even right now writing this alone with only the company of my cats I am missing my friends and my family. I would miss my cats! I think I would miss living much more than I tell myself I wouldn’t.

I would miss the summer breeze as I lay on the grass watching the clouds go by. I would miss the way the sun makes my freckles dance on my face. I would miss hearing the rain hit the roof as I read my book. I’d miss the butterflies you give me every time we talk. I would miss the way my friends and I talk and laugh without a care in the world. I would miss the pain of losing a loved one and feeling something so strong for even a second. I would miss loving someone, not only a crush but my family and the pride I have when I think of them.

Maybe I don’t wish I could disappear.

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Mental Health, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Insecurities

I’m a 20 year old women and I have insecurities. We all do. There’s no exceptions.

I am very insecure about my neck I feel it is too long and my ex boyfriend used to comment on it all the time and make jokes about it which didn’t help. Then I realised I should love myself no matter what and got rid of him. I thought I was happy and not insecure about my neck anymore. Cut to 3 years later when a colleague comments on how my neck is quite long and that I’m a Giraffe and all the insecurities come flooding back in. My neck, my ears, my teeth, the bit of fat under my chin, my thighs, my stomach, my arms, my nose, the fat around my hip area. It’s all still there and it never leaves you. You think you’ve moved on from the hate and you love yourself but all you do is push down the feelings of insecurity and never deal with them until someone make a stupid comment on it and then it all bursts to the top again.

I really wish we could all love ourselves unconditionally no matter the cost and be happy with ourselves but unfortunately I don’t think that will ever happen. Society tells us we’re not good enough, people in our lives tell us we’re not good enough and the worst person in all of this ourselves. We tell ourselves we’re not good enough. When we look at ourselves in a full length mirror in the changing rooms, when we see our reflection in a car window, when our friend takes a selfie and they look perfect and you look not perfect.

We focus on all these little insecurities that feel so big and scary to us. We feel we’re not good enough or that we’ll die alone but that isn’t the case. We are all unique we are all our own little perfect beings in our own way and someone will see you and think that you are the most amazing person in the world and won’t care about your stretchmarks or that scar you hate or the fat in places you wish it wasn’t. They will love you for you and they will love everything you hate about yourself.

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

What if?

Do you ever feel like your standing on a fracture?

You’re whole life could go one way or another and you feel like one false move and you’ll fall through the ice and relationships, friendships, your life will just implode and fall apart.

He could like you but if he doesn’t could you ruin it all? They might be your best friends but if you do this will you annoy them and they just get fed up with you? Your family might like you but they may hate you because they always say snide comments.

My whole life built on what ifs and shouldas, couldas but didnts maybe I should take a chance but what if it all implodes?

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

I can’t say no….

I have a really hard time saying no to people. I don’t know why that is but I can’t seem to help it. I want to keep people happy, I’m a people pleaser and it comes at a risk to my own health and mental health. I stress myself out too much trying to please others I never do what is needed for me as a result.

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