Thoughts, Uncategorized

My December Bucket List

  1. Meet up with other friends more not just the same people over and over again.
  2. Swear less as I don’t think it’s helping with anything.
  3. Recognise bad feelings and write them down before they get worse and acknowledge them instead of forgetting about it.
  4. Decorate my grandparents house with family and not let myself get upset by family members.
  5. Talk to people more let them know how your feeling.
  6. Care more about work and try not too get defeatist.
  7. Pack up the house ready for the move.
  8. If my grandad dies this month talk to people about it and not ignore your feeling.
  9. Keep on top of self-care and mental health.
  10. Make sure your friends are also keeping on top of their self-care and mental health.
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Thoughts, Uncategorized

To My Dying Grandad

Hello,

I want you to know that you don’t need to be afraid or scared. I also want you to know that we all love you very much. I know that you’re in a lot of pain right now and you keep forgetting where you are but you’re home surrounded by the people who care about you. Granny is there and although she doesn’t know what to do to help because she can’t and she gets frustrated she does love you very much. We’re all dealing with this in different ways so people keep acting differently and worrying and arguing but you don’t need to worry about that. Nothing is your fault. Everyone will keep their happy thoughts with them when things get tough and when you pass we will be able to look back on all the good times.

I know you don’t believe in Heaven or any type of afterlife and I know that you’re scared your life will end and there will be nothing but you need to have faith and let yourself go. You can’t hang on any longer. This is painful for everyone involved and it will continue to be painful for us for a long time. Watching you deteriorate is something I wish I never had to see but also something that I will never have to see again. Watching you slowly become less like yourself and become someone who basically sleeps all the time and struggles to even drink is so heart breaking to see. Especially as only a month ago you were telling us that when you got better you would cook Christmas dinner. It’s heart breaking because you might not make it to Christmas and you definitely won’t get better and you know this. Every time you ask it breaks my heart because I know you will never get better and this is the end.

I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could comfort you and stop you from being so scared. I wish I could help in some way one last time before you go but I know I can’t do any of those things. All I can do is count myself lucky for all the time I got to spend with you even if we didn’t always see eye to eye and we didn’t always like each other. The last five years have been hard but we have had a stronger bond as a result and I am so thankful for that second chance.

Thank you for being in my life and I hope your suffering doesn’t last too long.

I will always think of you fondly and of all the good times.

Your Granddaughter.

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Mental Health, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Things people have said that have hurt me

‘You should go kill yourself’

‘Sorry…..

……You will be’

‘It’s getting pretty late’ (the tone and situation)

‘Are you over your anxiety now?’

‘She must be on her period’

‘But you’re not really ill are you’

 

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

My November Bucket list

Have a calming journey to my training

Successfully spend two nights on my own without my cat who calms my panic attacks

Continuing with the Gym and sticking with it

Go out with the girls but try and spend less money

Continue to clear out the house ready to move

Bake or cook something and share with friends and family

Say one nice thing every day to make someone else’s day

Budget money better to save for mortgage

Meditate when things get hard

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

Halloween

My favourite things about Halloween are;

  1. Halloween films such as; The Haunted Mansion, Hocus Pocus, Scooby Doo, Penelope, Count Duckula and Halloween episodes of shows.
  2. Halloween food; Pumpkin shaped gingerbread that you can decorate, Tubs of sweets that no one judges you for buying so much and have deals going on.
  3. The costumes, I loved cosplay and seeing all the different costumes during Halloween.
  4.  People dress up their pets and they look adorable.
  5. This is Halloween is a brilliant song.
  6. The decorations are always really interesting when you see them at other peoples houses.
  7. People watch Harry Potter near Halloween, it’s the perfect time to have a Harry Potter Marathon.
  8. Halloween Make up always looks incredible.
  9. It’s colder in October so you can just watch films under a blanket and eat loads of sweets and chocolate.
  10. Sweets are cheaper in the Halloween sales which is always a bonus.
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Thoughts, Uncategorized

Bullying

As I sit wondering why I have low self esteem or why I feel worthless, I remember you. The person who would sit there and laugh at me or the person who’d tell me to jump off a bridge and kill myself. I ask myself why would anyone say that? Why would anyone at 12 consciously decide to tell another person to actively take their own life resulting in them dying. What sick and twisted child would think that telling someone to “go die” is a normal thing to do and that it should be justified because they are cool and I am not.

I wonder to myself why people hate me and I realise it’s because I’m different, I’m not like them so I shouldn’t have a say in anything, I have no right to. Children can be so messed up but so can adults, where did they learn that it’s ok to make someone unhappy, to push them to the breaking point, to point out their flaws and make them consider taking their own life. It’s wrong, it’s more than wrong it’s disgusting and I can’t believe how common this is. I would have died well over 20 times (let that sink in for a minute) before I was even at the age of 14 if I had killed myself when they told me to.

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Fandom, Thoughts

My time at a con on Sunday

So I went to my third con on Sunday and I went with my friend, it was her first ever con.

I cosplayed as Dean Winchester for the con and we had lots of fun. She didn’t feel well so she didn’t cosplay but she was going to go as Clara Oswald. At the con there were loads of other like minded people who also love their own fandoms. There were Harley Quinns, Deadpools, Jack Skellington, the 11th doctor, The Ghostbusters, characters from Star Wars, Characters from the Labyrinth, and so many other characters from many different Fandoms.

Everyone is accepting of each other and it’s such a great community. I’m so happy to be a part of it especially in our small town.

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