Thoughts

Family Holidays

The week before last I went on holiday with my family to Canterbury and overall had a really great time.

The half of my family I went on holiday with are the nice side of my family, my mums dads side. The whole family is full of very different but equally lovely and kind people. I can not give them enough praise and compliments because they’re so great. They always help me feel at ease with everything, making sure if we go to eat somewhere that there’s something I like as well as other members of the family who have unique pallets. My auntie and cousin encouraged me to go on the dodgems with them and although it doesn’t seem like a big thing it was very big for me and they were really ok with me worrying in the line. I am so happy I went on the dodgem because it was something I wanted to do and I had a really great time on them.

I went on holiday a month before with the other side of my mums family to Poole and it was very different. Everyone was arguing constantly and I didn’t feel like I wanted to be there, everything was my fault, the way I sat on the sofa, the way I woke up, anything I did wasn’t good enough. We had a great time at places like Brownsea island and Corfe Castle. I did go on a Ferry for the first time there and my mum was really great at settling me down and calming me and I was so happy I went on the ferry and didn’t miss out as a result of my anxiety which really upsets me when my anxiety stop me from doing something. My grandmother decided on the Friday that we were leaving that day before 10, I woke up at 7 got up and she was packing the food and said we need to pack as we were going soon. This made me really panicky as we weren’t sure when we were leaving as we had the caravan until the Monday, and she just decided by herself on the day without any warning and she does this all the time and gets angry if you don’t like it.

I’m trying to plan a holiday with my two friends for relaxation and to get away from family and work. Unfortunately no one is planning the holiday and I keep looking for places but I’m unsure of our budget each as I only just started my permanent job contract, one of my friends is on an apprentice wage and the other doesn’t have a permanent job currently and is doing up furniture as a new business which is waiting to take off. We want to go to the Isle of Wight, I’ve never been before but they’ve been lots of times with their families.

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Fandom, Mental Health

Gryffindor with Anxiety

I am a Gryffindor. I did the Pottermore quiz and got Gryffindor.

Being a Gryffindor means a lot to me because I used to want to be brave and courageous and wanted to stick up for myself and others. I have anxiety which makes me worry more than I should about everything and stops me from doing so many things but everyday and every time there’s something that scares me I have to push myself to do it. I am brave every time I get myself up and out of the house and every time I do something that scares me that maybe other people would have no problem doing.

Growing up I didn’t feel like the Gryffindor I was but then I realised just how like a Gryffindor I was. I always stick up for my friends and myself, I’m not afraid to tell the truth or tell someone how I feel about them. I’m not afraid to do things that scare me like learning to drive or going to places I’ve never been, or going somewhere on holiday with family and not knowing where exactly it is. I even got over my fear of the dark.

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Love, Mental Health, Thoughts

I just want to be loved

I just want to be loved…
I want someone to look at me completely in love with me. In love with my laugh, the way my nose scrunches if I find something particularly funny. The way I care about people. The way I try and show off a little when I haven’t seen people in ages. The way I try and feed everyone all the time, whether they’re sad, angry or even happy. The way I fall in love with chick flicks and get WAY too into the story.

I want someone to look at me and truly see me inside not what every mask I have up. Understand that I’m acting a certain way because of who I’m with, family, friends, you. Someone who understands that I’m confident with people I know really well but them freeze and shutdown a little with people I don’t know. That I don’t like answering the phone but that I will do it even if it terrifies me. That I can cook really well but I still need reassurance that I am doing it right.

That I may have days where I don’t want to talk to you and that it may hurt but I shutdown and can’t help. I want someone to understand when I’m having those days and when I’m struggling. I want someone to help me with the bad days and ride the good days with me.

………I just want someone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=]

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Mental Health

My favourite Mental Health App

Hi Everyone,

I suffer with Anxiety and mild depression which flairs up constantly. It happens a lot at work which is very inconvenient for me.

I have an app called BoosterBuddy its free on the app store and Google Play store. It is one of the best apps I have ever used to help with my anxiety. When you first go into the app it asks you to choose a buddy, put in what medication you have to take and what your symptoms are such as; Initiation and Motivation, Do you sometimes have a hard time getting up and starting your day or getting started on doing things? Oversleeping, Lack of sleep, Depression, Mood too High, Anxiety, Voices, Delusions, Alcohol and drug use. It also tells you that ‘if you think you have a mental health problem but aren’t getting help make sure you talk to a doctor for advice.’ You are able to change your answers when ever you want to or whenever they change.

There is also a Crisis plan which if you are thinking of harming yourself or someone else to call an emergency number for the area in my case its 999 or to your nearest emergency room. It also tells you a hospital you could go to which you put in yourself so its a hospital you know and trust. This is the initial thing that comes up in the Crisis plan, If the previous information in the crisis plan is not what you need you click on the continue to Crisis plan button. Here there are several buttons you can click on ‘My Coping Statement’, ‘My Coping Methods’,  ‘My favourite Coping Methods’, you can make your own and also choose from ones that are already on the app for various different symptoms that you may have, ‘Crisis Contacts’ I currently have my mum in there for a crisis which I need to change as she is often at work if I have a crisis and that’s not helpful to me, And finally there is ‘This is an Emergency’ I have never had to choose this one but it takes you back to the front page of the Crisis Plan.

After you have first put in all your information and you then go into the app for help later on you will come to a ‘How are you doing today?’ page. This asks how you are doing that day. It goes from Good, Not Great, Struggling, Crisis. depending on how you feel will depend on what quests you get to wake up your buddy. You get coins for each quest you complete which you can spend on hats, Glasses, scarves anything to dress your buddy with, You also get XP points to go up a level after you finish all three quests. When you click on a quest it will ask you to do something which either you can do and when the circle on the ‘I did it!’button fills up you can click that you have done it or if you can’t do it right now then you can click the ‘I can’t do this now’ button. Some you have to fill in like ‘Play a game’ you have to write down a board game or video game you could play with a friend. I wrote down Trivial Pursuit because I’m getting it for Christmas and I have the Harry Potter extension and I can’t wait to play with my friends.

Dana

(I will post screenshots below of the app).

 

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Mental Health

I just need some help….

I recently started my Apprenticeship and this is my forth week at work. I work 8:30 – 5. I have a headache or feel sick every day. I have no energy to do anything sometimes when I get home all I can do is curl up into a ball on the sofa for hours until I have to force myself to get up so I can go to sleep. I need help I know but where? how? there’s never enough funding that fits me in, my case is never as bad as other people’s. All I need is some help someone to talk to. Some counselling but instead I get my mum telling she has it worse. I have my granny telling me that people didn’t have this in her day and it’s all in my head and it must be because she doesn’t have it. Every year during summer something happens I isolate myself I become someone I’m not who just cries and stays in bed but this year I was really trying so hard to be healthy to be social to help around the house. I’m tired all the time physically and mentally sometimes I can’t even move myself from the floor I collapse on. I need help but I don’t think I’ll get it.

Dana

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Mental Health

My experience of counselling

When I was diagnosed with anxiety, my doctor and I both agreed that I shouldn’t take pills. I can’t swallow them and my doctor wanted me to try something else before I took pills for my anxiety. He wrote a letter to Cams which if you don’t know what Cams is, it helps young people with their mental health. I wasn’t deemed a high risk at the time so they couldn’t help me as they have so many people they need to help. My doctor told me to wait until I started college and ask for counselling there. I did.

The first day of college, I was in a room with my tutor and my tutor group and I asked about counselling. She told me to wait after the session had ended and she had given out everything she needed to. She took me to student services where I asked the person at student services how I could get counselling. The student services person made me fill in a form and she took my time table to see when I could have counselling. She then said that someone was in now if I wanted to have a session now. I agreed. I didn’t want to be ungrateful and it was important so I went to the counselling room. The counsellor took me to the room, it was warm and there was this smell that just instantly made me feel a little calmer. I spoke to her for an hour about starting college and different thing but I didn’t say why I was diagnosed with anxiety. I didn’t feel ready. But that was ok because she didn’t force anything out that I didn’t want to say. She made me feel at ease. The whole time I wanted to cry, it was overwhelming, there was this person who won’t judge me no matter what I say, this impartial person who I can say any of my feelings to and they will understand and not get mad at me. It wasn’t like talking to my mum, she would get upset or just not listen and be on her phone. It wasn’t like my friends, they didn’t understand and I had shut them out and every time I tried to explain they didn’t get it. The train home from college was so odd, I’d had my first ever session of counselling and it felt really nice getting things of my chest.

The second session I had was different. I didn’t know what to talk about and she was doing most of the talking. She asked me if I had anything I wanted to talk about and I said I didn’t know. She said that if I didn’t have anything I wanted to talk about maybe I shouldn’t be having counselling and maybe come the next session and then no more. It made me really upset, I didn’t know what to say but I knew I needed help.

The third session. I got to the door and spoke to her. I said maybe it would be best if I didn’t have any more counselling, I didn’t want to waste her time. (something which she told me on my last ever lesson was that she could sense my panic and that I wanted to leave so her goal was to keep me there and talk to me. She figured out that I found it hard to talk to her and trust her at first and she spoke more and asked me things and asked me where my anxiety was at the start and then at the end. I felt better and less like I was wasting her time. This how the sessions began and slowly I spoke more about things troubling me and we figured out a lot of where my anxiety stemmed from. She helped me think of anxiety as not a part of me but as a separate thing that is not me. It helped me to not think of the anxiety as a part of me but as something that can pass in time if I persevered.

The second to last session. She had asked me to bring my mum with me into college to the Counselling season. I found this stressful as my mum often starts talking badly about me or brings up things from the past like not tidying my room which I feel is a private thing between myself and her. We spoke to my counsellor and it went ok, I felt like my mum wasn’t getting the whole point we were there was for me and my mental health and not for her to have a chat and complain about work. My counsellor could see it was upsetting me and did try to get the conversation back on track. The whole session wasn’t terrible however I felt that a lot of it was empty promises. My mum was supposed to make sometime in the week when I could talk to her but now when I try and talk to her she’s on her phone playing a game or just gets annoyed at me because she’s watching TV.

My last counselling session. My counsellor told me that I had made a lot of progress since I had first come to her but she told me if she had the funding she would have like to continue counselling me further. Unfortunately she could only give me the 2 months I got because she needed to see more people. She told me where to go to possibly get counselling but I haven’t been able to do it, talking to my doctor makes me anxious and the idea scares me.

It’s been over a year since I had counselling and it was really good but I feel that in that year I haven’t looked after myself the way I should and that I have made myself get worse by not doing what she told me. I rarely do breathing techniques I end up just hyperventilating or curling up in a ball on my bed and shutting people out. I was supposed to talk to my doctor….I haven’t seen him since he diagnosed me with anxiety and if I’m honest the idea of going to the doctors and waiting for him makes me anxious.

I started writing this because I wanted to show how counselling does help and I wanted to share my experience. However, due to lack of funding from the government mental health isn’t treated as well as it should be, help isn’t always found when it is needed and counselling has to be cut short. I would like to get back on track but well let’s see.

Dana

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Mental Health, Uncategorized

My Anxiety

I got diagnosed with anxiety on August 2014.

I felt like everything had gone wrong in my life. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and just shut everyone out. The longer I shut people out of my life the worse it got because I was worried they’d be talking to me or wouldn’t want to meet up or that they’d eventually stop asking me because I always said no or made up an excuse. My boyfriend at that time went away for about 2 weeks which made it worse, I was really short with him and eventually just stopped talking to him. But I didn’t know why…….I still don’t know why. I don’t know what happened and why it happens. I don’t know why when everything is going well in my life I start to shut down and push everyone away. I wish I didn’t because it makes me more upset but I can’t control it, it’s like a switch someone else is pushing and I can never reach to switch it back. The worse thing is I can’t explain it to anyone, when someone asks me why or what’s wrong, I honestly don’t know and it ends up making me feel worse.

 

After I got diagnosed with anxiety I found out really fast who my real friends were, there were people who made everything all about them and just made me feel worse and brought me to a bad place in my mind and I had to say goodbye to them. I had a lot of friends who didn’t understand what Anxiety was and that was hard to explain it to them but they eventually started to understand, at first they treated me differently but now it’s like I don’t have a mental health illness at all when I’m with them. I still get people asking me if I’m ‘over’ my anxiety yet but I shut them down pretty quickly now.

 

I still have days where I can’t meet up with people but I find those days are less than they used to be. Sometimes when people ask me to meet up I have to tell them that I’ll see when I wake up because I have no way of knowing how I’ll be and if I’m not feeling great mentally I don’t want to trap myself in a social activity I’m not sure I want to go to.

 

I wrote this post for myself to just have everything I’m feeling and how I felt written down so it’s not a burden on myself anymore. But I also wrote this for anyone else who is dealing with anxiety or any other mental health because you are not alone and even though there can be some really awful days there can also be some really great days I promise. And even though you may feel alone there really are people who want to help you and be there for you they just may not know or understand what your going through. You need to make sure you’re not surrounding yourself with negative people no matter how hard that may be, you need to surround yourself with love and positivity because that’s what you deserve.

Dana

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