Mental Health, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Mental Health vs Love Life

I went up to Newcastle last month to meet up with a guy I really liked. I also learnt a lot about myself.

I haven’t dated for 3 years since I had a mental breakdown halfway through my last relationship and have been scared it would happen again ever since. Not only that but I wanted to work more on myself and loving myself.

First of all, we met at work and had been speaking for roughly 5 months when I finally went up to meet him again. I was very nervous and anxious about getting the train up and then when it changed I was nervous about meeting him halfway. I was scared I would be annoying him in the car either by being super quiet or by talking non stop both of which I can do when I am nervous or panicking. He was lovely of course and the journey up went really well. I thought his parents wouldn’t like me even though nearly everyone’s parents who have met me have also liked me. They did like me and I worried for nothing.

Something that I found really interesting was that he is very much a person who likes to go out and do things I am more of a person who likes to be in their pjs and stay in. I thought this would be a problem but he was so sweet and made sure that I was 100% ok with going out somewhere and made sure that I knew I didn’t have to. However, even when I didn’t want to go out I said yes, not because I felt I couldn’t say no but because I wanted to push out of my comfort zone. Do you know what happened every time? I enjoyed myself so much every place we went even when it was late. I met all his friends that was a big step out of my comfort zone but they were all lovely.

The biggest lesson for me was that I stepped out of my comfort zone a lot but nothing bad happened. I forgot my coat and I got a little cold but it wasn’t the end of the world and nothing bad happened. I feel like I need to kind of just let things happen and not overthink every little thing all the time but I might enjoy it.

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Love, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Phone Calls

I used to be terrified to answer the phone. Even calling people would scare me.

The first time you called me I panicked. None of my friends called me, none of my ex boyfriends called me. The only person I was comfortable with calling me was my mum and you weren’t my mum. I couldn’t understand why you were calling me. After a while I didn’t care, I wasn’t scared I answered the phone without panicking first. Do you know what happened? Nothing. Nothing bad happened we spoke for half an hour while you drive home. We talked about our day, random stuff that popped into our heads, it didn’t matter we just found stuff to talk about, the conversation flowed with ease.

It’s funny before I hated getting phone calls and now I get a little sad when you don’t call. Something that was a huge anxiety for me you managed to make into something I enjoyed. I still get butterflies when it says your calling, I know it’s silly. I know we’re not dating and it’s silly but I feel like I know more about you from our phone calls than I ever did with any other guy. I love the way your voice sounds when you’re tired, or laying down, or even just your laugh. I like that you make me laugh when you know I’ve had a stressful day. You think I don’t know but I do know that you try your hardest to make me laugh and happy when you know I’m not having the best of days.

Thank you for turning something I hated into something I love.

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Fandom, Gilmore Girls, Harry Potter, Uncategorized

More Gilmore Girls sorted into Hogwarts houses

Dean Forester – Dean was Rory’s first boyfriend. He didn’t value smarts first so that would rule out Ravenclaw for Dean. He wasn’t very interested in college or excelling in his career. He did love Rory though and he looked after her, protected her, he even built her a car. He was so loyal to Rory even when he knew her head was getting turned by Jess. As well as that afterwards he still tried to be friends with her because he still valued her friendship. He was also still nice to Lorelai even though he was no longer dating her daughter. His quick temper is something that he can’t always control which was be the only thing that would differ from the usual Hufflepuff attributes. However, we all have our flaws and having a quick temper doesn’t stop him from being loyal and he tries to control his temper. Overall I would put Dean Forester in Hufflepuff.

Jess Mariano – Jess is very into learning but it has to be on his terms. He failed his last year of school because he didn’t attend even though he could have passed school if he had attended more lessons. Jess likes to find out things for himself and he has lots of traits that Ravenclaws have such as; Intelligence, Individuality, and Creativity. He ends up becoming a writer which I feel is a job that some Ravenclaws would have. He shares a lot of traits with Ravenclaws however he also shares traits with other houses. He can also be a jerk sometimes, playing with Rory’s emotions while she was with Dean, not communicating with Rory and leaving her waiting around for him. He’s quite often starting fights, at school, with Dean, this can be seen as a Gryffindor trait but I don’t quite think Jess is a Gryffindor. I lot of the things he did to win Rory over were very calculated and may have been seen as a Slytherin trait however I feel like this is more of a Ravenclaw trait. The way he made Rory jealous and compete with showing more affection to Dean to try to make him jealous which ended up playing right into his hands. Also when he out bid Dean on Rory’s basket that made Dean far more jealous than he originally was and also started the wedge further which led to Dean breaking up with Rory. Overall I would put Jess in Ravenclaw because his traits and what he values more which is knowledge would put him in Ravenclaw.

 

Logan Huntzberger – Logan was stuck between Slytherin and Gryffindor. He has the cunning and ambition of a Slytherin but also has the thrill seeking and bravery of a Gryffindor. He can be reckless, when he was part of the life and death brigade he did a dangerous jump with Rory when he took her to her first event for her article. Not only that but later on in Gilmore girls he ends up getting hurt because of one of the stunts he did in the life and death brigade. The reckless and brave (although in some cases stupidity) attitude he had when it came to the life and death brigade would be traits towards Gryffindor. He can be lazy and entitled when he worked for the Yale Daily News he showed up when he felt like it because he knew that Doyle would suck up to him because his father was a publishing tycoon. He rode on the coat tails of the old money tied to his families name. Coming from old money and also using that for its own gain could be likened to Draco Malfoy who was a Slytherin and to many other Slytherins like him. However, I’d like to get away from that Stereotype that all Slytherins are purebloods and evil because I’m not here for that. Logan is a romantic; he not only helped Luke when he forgot to get a Valentine’s gift for Lorelai but also gave Rory a rocket when he left for London. The rocket was a reference to an episode of a show they watched which meant that he thought she was his true love and he would wait forever just to eventually spend time with her and grow old together. Logan shows many traits from Gryffindor; Bravery, Courage, recklessness, thrill seeking. As well as this he also shows many traits from Slytherin; Ambitious, Cunning, Charming, and not to mention Persuasive. Not to mention he stole a boat which to be fair could happen to either houses. Overall this was the hardest sorting I have had to do for a character, I would put Logan in Slytherin because although he can be reckless I also feel he has ambition and he finds a way to excel even if it may not be a career.

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Love, Uncategorized

How do you know you’re in love?

You don’t know when you’re in love. It creeps up on you when you least expect it and make a little home in your heart and suddenly you’re talking to them and you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with this person.

They may not be perfect but the way they laugh, the way they smile, the way they remember the little things you told them it all adds up in the factors before you realise you love them.

All of a sudden when you’re working or minding your own business they will creep up into your mind and make you smile. They’ll call you just to make you smile and then you’ll know deep down even if it’s not love yet it’s coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop it.

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

Disappear

I wish I could disappear.

I wish it could be so easy to disappear. I like to think I wouldn’t miss my friends or my family or my crush. But I would. Even right now writing this alone with only the company of my cats I am missing my friends and my family. I would miss my cats! I think I would miss living much more than I tell myself I wouldn’t.

I would miss the summer breeze as I lay on the grass watching the clouds go by. I would miss the way the sun makes my freckles dance on my face. I would miss hearing the rain hit the roof as I read my book. I’d miss the butterflies you give me every time we talk. I would miss the way my friends and I talk and laugh without a care in the world. I would miss the pain of losing a loved one and feeling something so strong for even a second. I would miss loving someone, not only a crush but my family and the pride I have when I think of them.

Maybe I don’t wish I could disappear.

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Love, Mental Health, Uncategorized

I’m Scared

I’m Scared.

I’m scared to like you. I’m scared to fall for you. I’m scared you’ll hurt me.

But most importantly I’m scared I’ll hurt you.

My last boyfriend and I broke up because I had a mental break down during our relationship and I shut everyone out.

I’m scared it will happen again and I will ruin everything between us.

I’m scared I’ll break your heart and you’ll hate me, your parents will hate me and everyone at work will think I’m a horrible person.

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Mental Health, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Insecurities

I’m a 20 year old women and I have insecurities. We all do. There’s no exceptions.

I am very insecure about my neck I feel it is too long and my ex boyfriend used to comment on it all the time and make jokes about it which didn’t help. Then I realised I should love myself no matter what and got rid of him. I thought I was happy and not insecure about my neck anymore. Cut to 3 years later when a colleague comments on how my neck is quite long and that I’m a Giraffe and all the insecurities come flooding back in. My neck, my ears, my teeth, the bit of fat under my chin, my thighs, my stomach, my arms, my nose, the fat around my hip area. It’s all still there and it never leaves you. You think you’ve moved on from the hate and you love yourself but all you do is push down the feelings of insecurity and never deal with them until someone make a stupid comment on it and then it all bursts to the top again.

I really wish we could all love ourselves unconditionally no matter the cost and be happy with ourselves but unfortunately I don’t think that will ever happen. Society tells us we’re not good enough, people in our lives tell us we’re not good enough and the worst person in all of this ourselves. We tell ourselves we’re not good enough. When we look at ourselves in a full length mirror in the changing rooms, when we see our reflection in a car window, when our friend takes a selfie and they look perfect and you look not perfect.

We focus on all these little insecurities that feel so big and scary to us. We feel we’re not good enough or that we’ll die alone but that isn’t the case. We are all unique we are all our own little perfect beings in our own way and someone will see you and think that you are the most amazing person in the world and won’t care about your stretchmarks or that scar you hate or the fat in places you wish it wasn’t. They will love you for you and they will love everything you hate about yourself.

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