Thoughts, Uncategorized

To My Dying Grandad

Hello,

I want you to know that you don’t need to be afraid or scared. I also want you to know that we all love you very much. I know that you’re in a lot of pain right now and you keep forgetting where you are but you’re home surrounded by the people who care about you. Granny is there and although she doesn’t know what to do to help because she can’t and she gets frustrated she does love you very much. We’re all dealing with this in different ways so people keep acting differently and worrying and arguing but you don’t need to worry about that. Nothing is your fault. Everyone will keep their happy thoughts with them when things get tough and when you pass we will be able to look back on all the good times.

I know you don’t believe in Heaven or any type of afterlife and I know that you’re scared your life will end and there will be nothing but you need to have faith and let yourself go. You can’t hang on any longer. This is painful for everyone involved and it will continue to be painful for us for a long time. Watching you deteriorate is something I wish I never had to see but also something that I will never have to see again. Watching you slowly become less like yourself and become someone who basically sleeps all the time and struggles to even drink is so heart breaking to see. Especially as only a month ago you were telling us that when you got better you would cook Christmas dinner. It’s heart breaking because you might not make it to Christmas and you definitely won’t get better and you know this. Every time you ask it breaks my heart because I know you will never get better and this is the end.

I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could comfort you and stop you from being so scared. I wish I could help in some way one last time before you go but I know I can’t do any of those things. All I can do is count myself lucky for all the time I got to spend with you even if we didn’t always see eye to eye and we didn’t always like each other. The last five years have been hard but we have had a stronger bond as a result and I am so thankful for that second chance.

Thank you for being in my life and I hope your suffering doesn’t last too long.

I will always think of you fondly and of all the good times.

Your Granddaughter.

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Mental Health, Thoughts, Uncategorized

Things people have said that have hurt me

‘You should go kill yourself’

‘Sorry…..

……You will be’

‘It’s getting pretty late’ (the tone and situation)

‘Are you over your anxiety now?’

‘She must be on her period’

‘But you’re not really ill are you’

 

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Mental Health

I have PTSD

I came to this realisation the other week.

My mums boyfriend died at my house 20th February 2015. He died about 5 in the morning, I remember that night as if it were yesterday.  I was woken up to a loud noise that I can only describe as a horrible cough possibly a constant clearing of their throat. It was a horrible noise and it was very loud. I thought it was one of our house mates as he was prone to coughing fits a lot. I closed my door to try and get back to sleep. (This is one of my biggest regrets). I didn’t know my mums boyfriend was at the house that night as he had come after I went to bed. Eventually I left my room as I couldn’t get back to sleep and suddenly one of our housemates had run upstairs and they had woken the other housemate. That day was very traumatic for me, we had an ambulance round and the police round and it was nonstop until 11 that day when he was pronounced dead and the police had stopped questioning us. It was the most traumatic and stressful day I can remember. I thought, well I still think what I heard that day when he was dying that he said No and it haunts me every time I hear an odd noise or get flashback.

If I hear a noise while I am trying to sleep or trying to get to sleep I get flashbacks to that night, I can’t close my bedroom door if I hear a noise outside or in the house somewhere. I physically can not close my door on a noise, I get flashbacks to that night and can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I am transported instantly to that night. Sometimes if I see someone who looks even a bit like him I have a internal panic attack and have to try and remind myself that it’s not him and that I am ok and that that day is not happening now. Sometimes I hear a noise like the noise he made that night, out in public or on a Youtube video when I least expect it and I feel powerless as I am forced to relive this event again and again. Just talking about this right now has caused me to have flashbacks and I’ve had to ground myself several times. As a result of the impact this post is having on myself writing this blog post, this will be the last time I post about it, I have previously written about this before last year so please feel free to read that blog post which goes into a lot more detail about the events of that day.  The link to that post is below.

Death of a loved one

 

You must be wondering why I would want to write another post like this if it’s affecting me so badly. I want to boost awareness for PTSD and for anyone who has experienced what I experienced. Mental Health Awareness is important and you are not alone with your mental health what ever you have someone else has probably had it or is going through and can help or might need your help and experience. I don’t want there to be a stigma which is why I am always honest and open about my Mental Health even when it’s hard.

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

My October Bucket List

Have a huge me day for the weekend before Halloween

Be halfway moved out of the house

Organise my blog posts better

Read more when you feel anxious and need to calm down, it helps better than looking at Facebook I promise

Watch a film you really want to watch and don’t worry about what other people think

See your friends but also be smart with your money

Think about something you really want to do that’s not too hard and do it.

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

So you want to work in IT?

I am a Woman who works as a technician in a repair centre.

I repair photo printers, computers, servers,  receipt printers, projectors, opticians equipment etc. I don’t work in an IT department and i don’t work with software so unfortunately it won’t be much help to any of you who are interested in that side of things but if you have any questions I would be more than happy to try and help answer your questions.

I work in a very heavily male environment and apart from one person I am not treated any different because I am a woman or because I am younger. What you do learn is that once you become part of the team they all band together for one another. Although they may give you a bit of stick it’s banter and I absolutely give it back every time I can but if someone else from higher up or a stranger started on anyone else we would stick up for them, I know I would and I have seen them do it. If you’re stuck on how to repair something because you may not have seen that fault before or you’ve not worked on them for a long time, they are always happy to give advice or help in anyway they can but also in a way that it’s not done for you and you learn to do it yourself.

As a woman we find certain situations scary but please don’t let this stop you from pursuing a career in IT, we are just as good as men in IT but if we never go into these fields then how can little girls see women working in the industries they want.

IT can be anything, working in IT can mean anything. There are various jobs, Electrical Engineer, IT Technician, Someone who works in the IT department, Someone who repairs IT equipment, Someone who is heavily working on Software, Someone who is heavily working on Hardware, Someone who does programming and coding. There are so many different fields for anyone who has even an interest in IT or computers. Always research the kind of job you decide you like, I found myself asking my friends who work in various IT sectors for their advice and experience and that helped me decide on more hardware based work and eventually helped me decide to go for an apprenticeship.

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

My September Bucket List

Bake more often

Clear out my office fully, deep clean, organise all the documents properly.

Take a Me day or at least half a Me day every week

Take more time to read

Revise theory to the point you’re almost ready for the test. (Revise everyday!!).

Make time to go out with friends because they mean a lot to you and it helps you more than you know. (That includes Games nights!!).

Finally organise that Holiday with the girls!!

Try and actually work on your anxiety and mental health. Try to cope better with it.

Treasure your family more because they won’t live forever and you love them

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Fandom, Uncategorized

One of My Favourite Authors

One of my favourite authors is J.K. Rowling. I love Harry Potter. I remember one of the first books I ever became obsessed with was Harry Potter. It transformed my life and honestly I have learnt so much from it growing. Harry Potter was my escape from the real world and the bullying that was a constant in my life at that point.

The way she wrote transformed the little nook I was reading in into Hogwarts and instead of reading I was following the Trio in their adventures. I really loved that the books made me feel like I was included in something and that I was personally being taken on a journey with the trio on the Hogwarts Express.

I love J.K. Rowling’s writing style, you don’t feel like you’re reading, the words flow easily when you read them and there isn’t any stiffness when you are reading the books which I have found with other readers where it almost becomes a chore to finish the book but with J.K. Rowling this is not the case.

She also helped reading become a cool thing again for children to do and made children want to read books. I was avid reader of Roald Dahl when I was young regardless but then I read Harry Potter and I just remember wanting to reread it again and again. It was the first time I was excited for the next book to come out.

This is why J.K. Rowling is one of my favourite Authors.

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