Mental Health

I have PTSD

I came to this realisation the other week.

My mums boyfriend died at my house 20th February 2015. He died about 5 in the morning, I remember that night as if it were yesterday.  I was woken up to a loud noise that I can only describe as a horrible cough possibly a constant clearing of their throat. It was a horrible noise and it was very loud. I thought it was one of our house mates as he was prone to coughing fits a lot. I closed my door to try and get back to sleep. (This is one of my biggest regrets). I didn’t know my mums boyfriend was at the house that night as he had come after I went to bed. Eventually I left my room as I couldn’t get back to sleep and suddenly one of our housemates had run upstairs and they had woken the other housemate. That day was very traumatic for me, we had an ambulance round and the police round and it was nonstop until 11 that day when he was pronounced dead and the police had stopped questioning us. It was the most traumatic and stressful day I can remember. I thought, well I still think what I heard that day when he was dying that he said No and it haunts me every time I hear an odd noise or get flashback.

If I hear a noise while I am trying to sleep or trying to get to sleep I get flashbacks to that night, I can’t close my bedroom door if I hear a noise outside or in the house somewhere. I physically can not close my door on a noise, I get flashbacks to that night and can’t sleep because every time I close my eyes I am transported instantly to that night. Sometimes if I see someone who looks even a bit like him I have a internal panic attack and have to try and remind myself that it’s not him and that I am ok and that that day is not happening now. Sometimes I hear a noise like the noise he made that night, out in public or on a Youtube video when I least expect it and I feel powerless as I am forced to relive this event again and again. Just talking about this right now has caused me to have flashbacks and I’ve had to ground myself several times. As a result of the impact this post is having on myself writing this blog post, this will be the last time I post about it, I have previously written about this before last year so please feel free to read that blog post which goes into a lot more detail about the events of that day.  The link to that post is below.

Death of a loved one


You must be wondering why I would want to write another post like this if it’s affecting me so badly. I want to boost awareness for PTSD and for anyone who has experienced what I experienced. Mental Health Awareness is important and you are not alone with your mental health what ever you have someone else has probably had it or is going through and can help or might need your help and experience. I don’t want there to be a stigma which is why I am always honest and open about my Mental Health even when it’s hard.

Thoughts, Uncategorized

My October Bucket List

Have a huge me day for the weekend before Halloween

Be halfway moved out of the house

Organise my blog posts better

Read more when you feel anxious and need to calm down, it helps better than looking at Facebook I promise

Watch a film you really want to watch and don’t worry about what other people think

See your friends but also be smart with your money

Think about something you really want to do that’s not too hard and do it.

Thoughts, Uncategorized

So you want to work in IT?

I am a Woman who works as a technician in a repair centre.

I repair photo printers, computers, servers,  receipt printers, projectors, opticians equipment etc. I don’t work in an IT department and i don’t work with software so unfortunately it won’t be much help to any of you who are interested in that side of things but if you have any questions I would be more than happy to try and help answer your questions.

I work in a very heavily male environment and apart from one person I am not treated any different because I am a woman or because I am younger. What you do learn is that once you become part of the team they all band together for one another. Although they may give you a bit of stick it’s banter and I absolutely give it back every time I can but if someone else from higher up or a stranger started on anyone else we would stick up for them, I know I would and I have seen them do it. If you’re stuck on how to repair something because you may not have seen that fault before or you’ve not worked on them for a long time, they are always happy to give advice or help in anyway they can but also in a way that it’s not done for you and you learn to do it yourself.

As a woman we find certain situations scary but please don’t let this stop you from pursuing a career in IT, we are just as good as men in IT but if we never go into these fields then how can little girls see women working in the industries they want.

IT can be anything, working in IT can mean anything. There are various jobs, Electrical Engineer, IT Technician, Someone who works in the IT department, Someone who repairs IT equipment, Someone who is heavily working on Software, Someone who is heavily working on Hardware, Someone who does programming and coding. There are so many different fields for anyone who has even an interest in IT or computers. Always research the kind of job you decide you like, I found myself asking my friends who work in various IT sectors for their advice and experience and that helped me decide on more hardware based work and eventually helped me decide to go for an apprenticeship.

Thoughts, Uncategorized

My September Bucket List

Bake more often

Clear out my office fully, deep clean, organise all the documents properly.

Take a Me day or at least half a Me day every week

Take more time to read

Revise theory to the point you’re almost ready for the test. (Revise everyday!!).

Make time to go out with friends because they mean a lot to you and it helps you more than you know. (That includes Games nights!!).

Finally organise that Holiday with the girls!!

Try and actually work on your anxiety and mental health. Try to cope better with it.

Treasure your family more because they won’t live forever and you love them

Fandom, Uncategorized

One of My Favourite Authors

One of my favourite authors is J.K. Rowling. I love Harry Potter. I remember one of the first books I ever became obsessed with was Harry Potter. It transformed my life and honestly I have learnt so much from it growing. Harry Potter was my escape from the real world and the bullying that was a constant in my life at that point.

The way she wrote transformed the little nook I was reading in into Hogwarts and instead of reading I was following the Trio in their adventures. I really loved that the books made me feel like I was included in something and that I was personally being taken on a journey with the trio on the Hogwarts Express.

I love J.K. Rowling’s writing style, you don’t feel like you’re reading, the words flow easily when you read them and there isn’t any stiffness when you are reading the books which I have found with other readers where it almost becomes a chore to finish the book but with J.K. Rowling this is not the case.

She also helped reading become a cool thing again for children to do and made children want to read books. I was avid reader of Roald Dahl when I was young regardless but then I read Harry Potter and I just remember wanting to reread it again and again. It was the first time I was excited for the next book to come out.

This is why J.K. Rowling is one of my favourite Authors.

Thoughts, Uncategorized

My Grandad is dying…..

I was struggling with what to write. My grandad has been through a lot, he’s had a brain tumour, a heart attack and then his brain tumour came back. Now he’s so slow and forgetting things. The other day he fell over and it took my grandmother ages to get him back up again. He is now confined to his bed and isn’t allowed to get up unless someone else is there unless he needs the toilet as that is close by.

He doesn’t want to get up otherwise anyway. I think he is finally reaching the end of his life and although it hurts and saddens me that my family have all suddenly come to this realisation, he has had a good and long life.

That’s what people say isn’t it.. They’ve lived a good long life, it’s supposed to make you feel better but all you really care about is just how little of their life you’ve been able to spend with them. Or you think couldn’t they hold on for another year just for me. He first got his brain tumour when I was doing my GCSE’s at school and then he had his heart attack the first year of College. Timing in our family is always awful.

He’s never liked me. I wasn’t his granddaughter biologically so he didn’t care about me. He was always shouting at me or having a go at me about something and anything he could. But I still love him, he’s my grandad and occasionally he was nice, he used to let me go to the bakery with him when he would pick up the weekly bits for the house such as bread and a bun for Saturday and he would let me pick a cake or biscuit every time. He would go to the betting shop and I would wait outside and then we would go to the newsagents to get a newspaper and sometimes he would let me get a sweetie. On our way back from town we would always watch the trains from the bridge.

And although he never liked me, he tolerated me and that was very like him. And although I never liked him or got on with him I always loved him and always tolerated him. I also have very fond memories of him when he goes I hope he will go in peace and I’m not worried about not having nice memories with him anymore.

(I wrote this yesterday before I found out he has days maybe weeks left to live so I will leave this up but this subject is now a lot tougher than before).

Fandom, Uncategorized

Why I love Gilmore Girls

*spoilers for anyone that hasn’t watched Gilmore Girls or the Four part series on Netflix, you have been warned*

(When I started writing this it was only supposed to be about why I love Gilmore Girls but it turned into all the mothers in Gilmore Girls and my take on them and also their impact).

I started watching Gilmore Girls a month ago, my friends introduced it to me and I watched it on Netflix at home, at work, on holiday and whenever I could find time which I always made time.

This TV show is about a mother who had a daughter young and their relationship and it is just a beautiful and wonderful show. I love the way the show portrayed their relationship and how important it was. Especially as the mother Lorelai was a single parent and had looked after Rory (her daughter) by herself successfully all this time.

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