Thoughts

The life of an apprentice

So I have finally finished my apprenticeship and I can say that luckily I have been taken on after a year apprenticeship to be in a proper job.

I can’t believe I made it to a year because honestly there were times when I didn’t want to continue working anywhere in general.

Where I did my years apprenticeship I was really nervous, where I started I was the only female engineer and it was intimidating at first.  However, the first thing I learnt about being the only female engineer was that no one cares. No cares if you’re female you’re just another engineer that can fix things, another pair of hands, another team member and it felt nice. As well as this everyone was happy to help if I needed it. Instead of being scared to ask for help I was encouraged and reminded that it was ok because I’m an apprentice and I’m not expected to know everything. It was also nice that everyone has each others backs and will back you up if you haven’t done anything wrong and always make sure that you cover yourself before you send out anything.

I struggled a lot with my mental health and as a result of that I found it hard working constantly at my apprenticeship, doing all the college work required and also having another job on the weekends. I ended up overwhelming myself and stopped eating and my mental health took a nose dive. I had my friends there for me and I reached out to them and felt much better for it. I found a great work to life ratio and this made me so much happier working.

An apprenticeship is an amazing opportunity. You get to experience working for real and you also get to learn about how to do the job you want to do. You get a qualification, experience and you also get paid. The wage isn’t great for an apprentice however you are learning and getting training and things for free instead of paying for university. I would recommend an Apprenticeship to anyone going into work that is heavily practical such as; Plumber, Electrician, IT technician, Engineering, Mechanic, and many other jobs.

I would suggest getting as much training as you can while you are an apprentice as if you don’t get taken on after your apprenticeship then you at least have lots of experience and valuable training.

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

Do you trust yourself?

People say that the worst thing is when you can’t trust the person you love more than anything in the world. I disagree the worst thing is when you can’t even trust yourself anymore. when you wonder if you not hungry because it’s hot or brain has decided you shouldn’t be eating. When you see yourself in the mirror and you wonder if you really look like that or if you’re seeing your insecurities more enhanced. You wonder whether you feel ill because of you’ve caught a cold or if you’ve become run down because you’re working yourself too hard. You wonder if everything is really that stressful or if you make things more stressful for yourself.

Do you even trust what you are seeing? Do you even trust yourself?

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

Hi Mum

Hi mum,

You had me when you were 22. You were a single parent and your mother disowned you and you kept me. You knew that my dad was either the guy you were with then or another guy and it turns out it was the other guy. You told him and he didn’t want to be involved in our lives. You made sure I had food every day of my life and you sacrificed so many things, you life was hardly all figured out before you had me and afterwards even less so but you managed and you muddled through.

I always had clothes on my back, I may not have been able to have the newest toy out but I got to go to the library and borrow books and when I did get a new toy like the baby Annabelle I asked for three Christmases in a row I always took care of it and made sure that It didn’t get broken. My cousins in contrast to me got anything they wanted and as soon as I got something like the baby Annabelle they instantly had one too. I remember getting a Nintendo DS lite and being so happy that I could finally fit in with all my friends and instantly my cousins had one. I saved up all my money to get an iPod as our MP3 player kept breaking and I wanted something new of my own, it was the happiest day I can remember going to Sainsbury’s picking out my new iPod and then going to the checkout and paying for it with my own money. I never felt like I missed out on much except spending time with you. The one thing I never got was time with you, you always worked late nights so I was always at my Granny’s and when you were off work well then Granny would babysit me so you could go out.

Our relationship is strained sometimes, we don’t communicate as well as we should. You get tired and irritable and I get annoyed by how petty you can be when you don’t take into consideration that I work more then you do and I’m tired too. I work two jobs in addition to doing a full time college course but because you do late nights 4 days a week my problems and tiredness doesn’t exist.

I don’t hate you. I love you more than anything and I always will because you’re my mum and we have been through a lot of stuff together but you make it hard to like you sometimes.

I love you Mum

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Thoughts

Hi Dad

I’ve been wanting to meet you since I realised all the other little boys and girls had a dad and I didn’t. I thought about how meeting you would go but instead I was too excited and at 4 I ran up to you at your work and told you that you were my dad. My mum then had to explain everything to you and that I was telling the truth. You quit your job. I thought one day you would come round and we would get to know each other and talk and you would become a part of my life. That never happened. Dads are supposed to look after their daughters and make sure no one hurts her and instead you hurt me the most. You tried to snatch me from my mum twice causing her panic and worry as she did everything she could to get me away from you and to somewhere safe.

You know those families where the child alternates between days at one parents house and days at the others. Or even when they go to the other parents at the weekend. I thought we would do that. I thought you would want me to join your family, you have a wife and her 4 sons but you don’t even want to see your own daughter.

Do you know what a dad does or what they’re supposed to do? I don’t have a clue. I have never known and will never know what having a dad is like.

I added you on Facebook when I was 13/14 I don’t know why I did it or what I thought it would accomplish. What would I write? Hi Dad it’s your daughter can you send me some corn for Farmville? It just didn’t seem right having the first proper communication on Facebook. I sent him Happy Father’s Day 5 years ago and he still never replied. He told my mum he never got involved in my life because she was doing such s great job and he didn’t want to impose. Yet he was happy to send happy fish requests or whatever other games he played on there.

Did you have a dad? Was he more involved than you? Did he teach you more than just how to be disappointed and get hurt?

I wanted too much from you but I guess in the end all I really wanted was your love and for you to be there for me.

I guess you’ll never know me and I’ll never know you and that will be both of our loses.

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Love, Mental Health, Thoughts

I just want to be loved

I just want to be loved…
I want someone to look at me completely in love with me. In love with my laugh, the way my nose scrunches if I find something particularly funny. The way I care about people. The way I try and show off a little when I haven’t seen people in ages. The way I try and feed everyone all the time, whether they’re sad, angry or even happy. The way I fall in love with chick flicks and get WAY too into the story.

I want someone to look at me and truly see me inside not what every mask I have up. Understand that I’m acting a certain way because of who I’m with, family, friends, you. Someone who understands that I’m confident with people I know really well but them freeze and shutdown a little with people I don’t know. That I don’t like answering the phone but that I will do it even if it terrifies me. That I can cook really well but I still need reassurance that I am doing it right.

That I may have days where I don’t want to talk to you and that it may hurt but I shutdown and can’t help. I want someone to understand when I’m having those days and when I’m struggling. I want someone to help me with the bad days and ride the good days with me.

………I just want someone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=]

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Love, Thoughts

To My Crush

Hey,

I’m pretty sure you know I exist I mean I lent you that pencil in class…which you still haven’t given back but it’s ok you keep it I have plenty. I smiled at you as I gave you that pencil and you smiled back at me so it was worth it. I then gazed at the back of your head and thought about what we could talk about. Then class was over and I wouldn’t see you anymore that day. I said bye as I gathered up my things and you said ‘seeya’.

I friended you on Facebook, we have a group presentation to do. I added the whole group and created a group chat for the whole presentation. Even though I ended up doing most of the work. I gave you the easy job of printing photos for the poster we were presenting and you smiled at me making my heart melt. We had to present our poster and you stood next to me….there was no where else to stand but I knew you wanted to stand next to me.

I missed class because I was on a trip so I message you asking what I missed and if we had homework. You don’t know…you were ill. My whole conversation planned fell to pieces. We end up talking about wrestling which was interesting. You have a nice sense of humor. You make me smile. Oh you’re offline now…night I guess.

Then speaking to a friend I realised I was overthinking the whole thing. It was only a pencil. It was only a smile. It was only a friend request. It was only standing next to you. It was only a smile. It was only a conversation. It was only a smile. It was only a smile. It was only a smile!

Maybe one day I’ll speak to you properly and stop being weird in front of you overthinking every action when you’re with me.

Thank you for putting up with me

Dana.

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Thoughts, Uncategorized

My New Years Resolution

Hi kittens,

I wasn’t expecting to make a New Years Resolution post but I think really it’s going to be a better year next year and I want to share my resolutions with you all.

So one of my New Years resolutions from last year was to not date anyone so that I didn’t have the stress of why haven’t I got a boyfriend or that I wasn’t constantly looking for a guy. Also that I wasn’t worried why I didn’t have a boyfriend. I took this year for self love. I went ok. I didn’t get I boyfriend and I wasn’t worrying about finding one although I did have to reject someone which I didn’t like doing and found awkward but he’s a nice guy and we are friends.

I have a cliché New Years resolution which is to join the gym with my two best friends. I wanted to join the gym last year but I didn’t have a job and then not everyone was 18 in the group of us so we decided to wait and now we all feel ready and it’s better than using our gym stuff at home and we get to do it together.

Another is to read one new book a month. This is because I have loads of books I bought because I wanted to read them and then never got round to it and reread Harry Potter instead. There’s nothing with rereading Harry Potter but as well as reading new books.

To have breakfast every day and not skip it. This is more a personal thing that I’ve never really had a regular breakfast in the morning and I would like to start because I feel like it would start me off for the day.

I want to eat healthier. I’ve improved the amount of water I drink but I would like to eat less crap and more meals that are healthier instead of like a tube of pringles because I’m hungry. Also I want to eat less ready meals, I managed to stop eating Rustler burgers and food like that. I have cut down the amount of takeaways I have to once every 2 months if that.

I want to swear less. I work in a workshop full of guys, we all swear….a lot. I swear the most all the time. I would like to tone down the amount I swear. I would also like to not swear in front of people younger than me and old people.

I want to push out of my comfort zone more even if it’s scary even if I’ve found more than 10 worst outcomes. I want to meet up with people I haven’t seen in ages and not panic and cancel because I’m scared. I don’t want to keep cancelling or saying I’m busy I just want to do it.

What are your New Years Resolutions and Why?

Dana

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